Tinder: How to get a right and wing it (Guy)

As you may all have known, I am amazingly single. So what do all single girls do? Yup, after all that heartbreak and late night cryings, we...

As you may all have known, I am amazingly single. So what do all single girls do? Yup, after all that heartbreak and late night cryings, we date! My friends told me to go out and start dating again. Damn it was so hard. The last I dated was seven years ago. Then, all I ever look for in a man (boy rather) is how cute or tall he is. Now that I am so much older, my prerequisites have changed. 

Why dating app? Why not go out and look for a man? Truth is, I don't go out much. My life is pretty much work and home therefore chances of finding 'love' outside is almost NIL. So I took to a few different dating apps. Don't judge me. I even tried Tagged, which was rather scary (although I made friends who I still talk to today). After using this dating app for a few months now, I thought I'd give my two cents worth of thoughts. This should be fun, no? 

p.s. I haven't used Tinder in months so don't bother searching for me.

Tinder: How to get a right and wing it (Guy)

1. Choose a good picture

Seriously?? Unless you are looking for a fellow sofa lover then I won't judge

This is so obvious but the most ignored. Tinder is pretty much a superficial dating app. You see the person's face, you like it, you swipe right. So what makes you think that posting a picture of you sticking your tongue out will get a right? Eww. I don't know about other girls but if I see a selfie, I immediately swipe left. Also, why put up a picture of you and your friends? Even worst, a picture of you and a girl. Show your face, smile genuinely and matches will come right in, I hope. 

p.s. A picture of you travelling is a plus (duh!)

2. Profile name

hmmmmm how do I pronounce your name, sir? And seriously, a selfie? In the toilet???

I understand that Tinder is linked to Facebook. I also understand that your name in Facebook is fancy (read: ridiculous). If you intend to find a wife, I suggest you change it to your real name. But if a hookup is what you are looking for, I suggest you change your name to 'Sexy Boy'.But seriously, how do I pronounce your name? 

"Hi Cherry Apple!"

3. About me

That last paragraph though

Sometimes I don't even look at the picture. I read what he has to say. I can't stand bad English (not that I'm super awesome but basic grammar goes a long way, I promise). I once swiped right to a guy who says he is adept at sitting in a corner and read as well as dancing in the middle of a crowd (somewhere along those lines). I liked what he wrote so I swiped right. And let's face it, although some uses the app for hookups, the majority of us are genuinely looking for love. Your job description is a major plus. I am ultimately looking for a husband. So if you are twenty five and not working, LEFT! Oh and no inspirational or love quotes please. You obviously took it from the net. Be original and witty!

4. Go out!

If you are 20 and in Tinder, what are you even thinking? Go out and find them girls. I honestly believe dating apps are for boring adults who don't have a life except work. I've seen eighteen year olds on Tinder. Dude, the world is your oyster. When I was eighteen, I was exploring the boys in my school! You can come back to Tinder if you're twenty five and single (boohoo like me!)

5. You got a match!!

It's always very exciting to get a match, right? It's like playing a game. 

Ok, this is when it gets a little tricky. You got a match, so now what? Do I wait for her to say hi? Or do I say hi first? The dilemma! In my opinion, go for it. Be the man and say hi. I am still very traditional (the irony!) and I will never say hi first. 

6. Pick up line

Bro, I am a bunga. 

While thinking of what to write here, I log into Tinder and went through my matches. I cringed at some of the pick up lines. One that I hate the most is, when someone says 'Assalamualaikum'. I mean, just because I am a girl in hijab, on Tinder, you think giving the salam will bring you somewhere? You trying too hard boy. I usually ignore. My Tinder profile picture is one of me carrying flowers. So I had a match who said, "Wow what beautiful flowers! As beautiful as you." Stop it with the flattery. Again, stop trying too hard. 

Just a simple Hi will be fine. Oh, don't forget to add a smiley :)

7. "Can I have your number?"

So you've chatted for a bit. You bring a powerbank everywhere because Tinder uses up your battery. And then you wonder. When should I ask for her number? My answer is, be tactful guys. I've had one too many guys asking for my number on the first day. It's fine if you are ok with strangers having your number but my phone number is very personal. Also giving someone my phone number means I am ready to commit to another level. Whatsapp level. So give it a week. If you feel comfortable talking to her or if she's hinting then go for it. Just don't press her for it. She'd ignore you forever. 

8. Whatsapp level

 If you have reached this level, congratulations!  

Out of the 169 matches I currently have, less than 10 managed to reach this level. A few of them were blocked indefinitely. So how to stay in this level and not risk being blocked? Don't be greedy. Start of by thanking her. It takes a lot of thought process into giving you her number. She's also probably sitting with her girlfriend judging your texts. Keep it casual, please. You probably have established your career and future plans. Ask how she's doing, how's her day sparingly. Please don't spam message. Also, don't be too quick into asking her if it's ok to talk on the phone. I blocked a guy because he asked if I would like to talk on the phone one too many times.

9. "Are you free to have coffee?"

If there's one thing that I have learnt from my Tinder experience, it's don't go out on a date for too long. Out of the ten that got into Whatsapp level, only two went on to the 'Meet up for coffee' stage. One probably thought I am too scary because I am too forthright. The other is an asshole.

10. Yey! You made it this far!

EXPECTATIONS
So you are still texting her two weeks after the first 'date'. You both plan to meet again. Congratulations! You may have gotten yourself a Tinder love! 

REALITY
You both stopped texting each other. Better still you text her and tell her that you are actually planning a together forever with someone. Dude, I am looking at you. I would really just reveal this one person here but I am a woman with grace so I'll be nice enough to let it go. Hopefully your wedding planning is doing well!

I hope you read this with a pinch of salt. I made great friends, added a few to my business contact even. I also met assholes. But if Tinder works for you, I give you my heartiest congratulations. For the rest of us, it's back to the drawing board!

p.s. I hope those guys in my screenshots don't hunt me down

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