Am I fat?

Earlier today, I had a thought. I reckon it's a pretty nasty thought. I thought I was overwhelmingly fat. If you are already going ...

Earlier today, I had a thought. I reckon it's a pretty nasty thought. I thought I was overwhelmingly fat. If you are already going to throw your dinner at me, I accept it. However hard I try to say otherwise, the little nasty voice in my head won't stop mocking my body. 

Growing up, I was probably one of the skinniest girl in class. At one point, my eyes were so sunken they created shadows. I was so skinny that I had girls calling me a runway (go figure), a ruler, a stick, a pole and all other mean names. I wasn't skinny by choice. I just happened to be really active and occupied in school. 

When I entered polytechnic, I was still underweight. It wasn't until my second year in school that I gained a little bit of weight. I had a very unhealthy lifestyle. My course of study is very sedentary. I pretty much sit in class all day. School food was cheap. Maybe I was growing up, also maybe because my energy is used up on my daily extra school activities that I would order two packets of chicken rice. There were also many occasions in which I would order two McDonalds meals. 

By the time I entered my third year, I wasn't underweight anymore. My BMI was finally normal. I was thrilled because I was finally not underweight. Soon, I went for a three months internship and three months of final year project. Both of these resulted me in gaining the most weight ever. It was also then that I realised that I never want to work in an office environment. To which I never did. 

Every hour in the office or the classroom was spent snacking. Movements were rare. Other than the need for toilet, tea or lunch break. 

Then one day, I weighed myself. I was fifty-five kilograms. That was the heaviest I have ever been. Nothing fit me anymore. My thighs were so heavy. I had to run 2.4km for the year end's NAPFA test and I failed. I couldn't run at all. I was shocked at my own body weight. My body felt so heavy during the run. I literally had to drag my ass on the tracks. I cried after the run. I didn't even finish the five rounds. I was the second last person on the track. It was horrible. 

I started working soon after and you know what they say about educators. They eat whenever and whatever they can. I lost a lot of weight during my first year. I went back to below fifty.

Years went by and I was happy with my body. I was very content with how it looks, I was a size S back again. Until GelarĂ© went halal. I basically went crazy and had waffles and ice cream everyday for two weeks. Boy was it a mistake! 

In that two weeks, I gained a lot. I tipped the scale yet again. I went back to a UK10. 

I have been trying to eat right this past few weeks and I have had successful results. But whenever I look at my body in the mirror, I think I look fat. I feel like an elephant. Then I look at my pants sizes and I panicked. I feel less of a woman because I am a UK10. I am certain that no man wants to look at me now because I am fat. 

This struggle is real. I am certain that I am not the only woman feeling as such. We try so hard to love ourselves, our body and our intellect. You can say that I am being ridiculous but how many of you ladies have actually tried dieting? Or how many of you have actually complained that you're fat? 

I am sure that even the greatest supermodel, on some bad days, must have felt that she's fat or skinny. 

I have been at both ends of the spectrum. I felt less of a woman being skinny AND fat. Now I have to start learning to love my body again and not compare it to someone else's. I am not condemning thicker girls or anything. I am just trying to let you know that if you feel like such, you are not alone. Most of us are actually feeling like this. This is why it feels good to be complimented by girls. True? I know I do. I just want to be assured that I am not what I think of myself. Sometimes, the most toxic person is yourself.

Trust me, this whole loving myself thing is even harder now that I am single. I feel pressured to look thin and pretty all the time because if not I will be rotting on the shelf. But then when I do feel pretty, I get rejected. Better still, I get all left out. All alone.

We'll take some time to love our body but we will get there. Surely, there is someone in this world who will appreciate whatever size, shape or colour our body is right? I guess I should stop picking on the little things, continue eating right and stop checking the weighing scale every damn day.

In the words of RuPaul;
If you can't love yourself,
how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?



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