RejectionNovember 08, 2016
I don't take rejections well. All my life, I made sure to stay in a comfortable situation so that I won't have to face challeng...
I don't take rejections well. All my life, I made sure to stay in a comfortable situation so that I won't have to face challenges often. I hate the thought of not getting what I wanted. I hate hearing the word, 'No'. I have always dealt with an esteem issue.
I am an introvert. I don't like crowds. I don't like new situations. I like the familiarity of things around me. So more often than not, I would stick to things that I am familiar with. I make sure that whatever I choose to do, I'll get a yes. I hate the uncertainty. I may have mentioned this in the blog a million times.
You will never see me entering any competitions unless I know I have a chance at winning. Or if I know my competition is not quite a competition. Point is, I will never do things that I know will potentially disappoint me.
Once in polytechnic, I entered a singing competition. I decided to try my luck and got through the qualifying round. Usually if I managed to get through one round, I will push myself for more. That's when I pinned hope. I expect to win. I didn't. I felt rejected. I felt insulted.
Wasn't I good enough?
Maybe I wasn't. But being rejected means I am not good enough. I hate the feeling of being not good enough. It is a battle I have with myself every day.
The other day, I went for an interview. The first time I went, admittedly I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared. However this time, I made sure I was what they wanted. But I wasn't.
I was rejected. And that was a slap on my face. That was a huge insult. That was them telling me I am not good enough. The battle I had with myself that day was massive. A part of me said that it's fine because I came in not feeling confident anyway. Another part of me feels very dejected because I had wanted it so bad.
I caved in to dejection. I came home and avoided everyone. I avoided conversations. I didn't feel like interacting with anyone. I slept. Sleeping is the easiest way to run away from things and so I shut myself out for several hours. I hoped that I would feel better after waking up. But I didn't. I still felt unwanted.
Rejection gets harder for me especially ever since being single. After being rejected man after man, I felt unworthy of anyone or anything. Why doesn't anyone want me? Why is it that they are looking for? Am I not good enough?
So this time, I am not exactly handling this rejection thing well. If anything, it made me feel like trash. Maybe one day, I'll learn how to handle rejections better. But for now, I'll go back to bed.
I do apologise if my writings are not exactly the positive messages I should be giving. I feel like I am sharing with you what makes me real. I am human and these are my vulnerabilities.