Relapse

I see the cup half empty. I have always viewed life like that since I knew what to think of it. It is really funny how I can give advice...


I see the cup half empty. I have always viewed life like that since I knew what to think of it. It is really funny how I can give advices on my blog or pump someone up and telling them to be positive about life when I am always at my deepest pit. 

The past few days, I have been feeling very insecure about myself. From the way I look, to the way people think of me. Every single day, I believe that I am burden to everyone around me. It is a sinking feeling. I sink to the bottom by the hour and I couldn't swim up to save myself. I constantly feel like I inject pain to people. 

Today, my heart felt empty. Which is ironic because it has been the fullest that it can be since two years ago. I felt my heart closing up. I was not able to reciprocate my feelings. It was empty. I remember this feeling many moons ago but that was a given. My heart was lost. How can my heart be in pain now that it has multiplied? 

A puppet with no puppeteer. I feel exactly like that. Lifeless and unmotivated. 

I try very hard to disassociate myself from the person that I was before. Maybe in the quest to be different, I became such a negative Nancy. I am like an onion. Perhaps perfect from the outside. As soon as you start peeling my layers, your eyes sting. I feel like I have been like that to the people around me. People whom I love very very much. 

It is a constant battle with myself. That I am not good enough. That I am not perfect enough. That I am a burden to the people I love. That I am a nuisance in their life. That their life would have been better without me in it. 

The past few nights, I have been accompanying myself with tears. I blame myself for the failed or failing relationships. Sometimes, I wish I have issues with other people instead of myself. You can run away from people but how do you run away from yourself? 

Today, I went back to the abyss. The dark and cold cave that I once took solace in. 
Today, I am lost.
Please save me.

SHARE THIS POST

You Might Also Like

0 comments

Leave a love note below or simply say hi! I read every one of your love notes. ♥